BOTH HILLARY AND BERNIE ARE NEW YORKERS!!
-It's just that Bernie opted to leave New York and Hillary opted to actually live there...Just sayin'

With friends like Bernie, who needs Hamas?
OK, that's just mean. How about: With enemies like Hamas, who needs Bernie?
OK, OK...lets settle on: Hillary will probably be better for Israel.

BERNIE VISITS THE POPE
-asks permission to eat meat on Friday.

TRUMP MAKES UP WITH MEGYN KELLY
-admits she is not quite as big a bimbo as he first thought

TRUMP SAYS WE WILL BE HIT BY MAJOR RECESSION AND HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SAVE US!!
- Also claims earth will be hit by an asteroid and only he can prevent this.
-Trump disputes Smokey the Bear's claim that only YOU can prevent forsest fires. "Only I can prevent forest fires," says Trump.

TRUMP ASKED ABOUT WISCONSIN POLLS SAYING HE IS BEHIND THERE
--Trump responds: "What do the Poles know? They are losers. They are a joke."

TRUMP NOW SAYS WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE PUNISHED FOR HAVING AN ABORTION
-claims that he wouldn't be surprised, however, if (wink wink) they were to be stoned to death.